The War on Terror has been going on since September of 2001, and has - like any other topic of long-term controversy - spawned its own shorthand and lingo.

Hopefully, anyone who hasn't been living under a rock since 9/11 has kept up with it, but recent events have led me to wonder if we're all speaking the same language (or at least understanding what's being said). And, as battles are won or lost in large part due to (im)proper communication, it should go without saying that a modern-day tower of Babel has no place in the War on Terror.

So, in the interest of public service, the rANT Farm has produced this informative list of buzzwords to make reading your blogs, and watching FOX News, easier for those who might have missed the obvious.

Print this out and tape it next to the remote for easy reference. You can also have an exciting round of "buzzword bingo" by placing a random selection of words on a grid and watching the news or reading the op-ed page. Can you get them all at one sitting?

ALLY: (AHL-ai) pl. ALLIES. A country whose leadership either (a) agrees with us, (b) fears what we might do to them worse than they fear what the terrorists might do to them or (c) sees a great opportunity to stabilize their shaky hold on their populace by going along with the gameplan.

AMERICA-HATER: (ah-MEHR-ih-ka HAY-tuhr). pl. S. Someone whose stand on the War on Terror is diametrically opposed to your own, and backs up his stance with information - however (in)accurate - that portrays American history, politics and/or culture in a questionable or critical light. Also tends to be completely unintelligible.

AXIS: (ACK-sis) pl. AXES. A group of countries who share one or two superficial similarities and are, therefore, acting in total concert with one another by default.

BLAME AMERICA, TO: (BLAYM ah-MEHR-ih-ka) The act of questioning or opposing the War on Terror from the standpoint of presenting information that portrays American history, politics and/or culture in a questionable or critical light. Done by AMERICA HATERS.

CONSERVATIVE: (cuhn-SERVE-ah-tihve) pl. S. In terms of the War on Terror, one who is a PATRIOT. Note that this is irrespective of any other, classic "conservative" stances, such as an antipathy towards income tax, opposition to Abortion and/or gay rights, rolling back the Federal Government's power, etc.

ENEMY: (EHN-eh-me) pl. IES. A country that either pays for, provided material or non-material support to, harbors, funds, trains or excuses TERRORISTS. More than one ENEMY might be part of an AXIS, regardless of whether they are also enemies with one another or not.

FASCIST: (fah-SCHIST) pl. S. Someone who has cause to inconvenience you, has the power and/or standing orders to back up their actions with the law, and enjoys every moment of the job. Often known to order RESPONSIBLE CITIZENS to expose themselves to complete strangers in an airport, do nothing while they shoot their dog while searching their car and submit to meaningless, go-nowhere interrogations to make sure they aren't in league with a TERRORIST organization.

FENCE-SITTER: (fehns SIH-tuhr) pl. S. A country that either hasn't declared its approval with, or joining in, the War on Terror, or else has approved and/or joined in it but doesn't seem to be all that enthusiastic about it.

HIPPIE: (HIP-pee) pl. IES. Someone whose stand on the War on Terror is diametrically opposed to your own, but whose stance seems to fueled by (a) drugs, (b) countercultural antipathy towards any kind of military action and/or (c) the hopes of getting nookie from a cute, fellow counterculturalist, as opposed to being an AMERICA HATER. Some HIPPIES are also USEFUL IDIOTS, but not every USEFUL IDIOT is a HIPPIE.

LIBERAL: (lih-buhr-ALL) pl. S. In terms of the War on Terror, someone who is either an AMERICA HATER, HIPPIE, TRAITOR or USEFUL IDIOT. Note that this is irrespective of any other, classic "liberal" stances, such as an embracement of income tax, support for Abortion and/or gay rights, increasing encroachment of the Federal Government's power, etc.

LIBERAL MEDIA: (lih-buhr-ALL MEE-dee-ah) A handy, catch-all phrase used to describe a source of entertainment and/or information that either (a) doesn't tell you what you want to hear, (b) presents information that makes you seriously question your previous standings, (c) doesn't take its information from sources you approve of (d) continuously asks questions you've already heard answered in a manner acceptable to yourself, and/or (e) does not actively defame Muslims as a whole.

NEOCONSERVATIVE: (KNEE-oh-cuhn-SERVE-ah-tihve) pl. S. A person with strong conservative views who holds those views out of shame for having once held strongly liberal views. Such persons tend to hate PALEOCONSERVATIVES for reasons that are, at best, arcane. In terms of the WAR ON TERROR, many NEOCONSERVATIVES are CONSERVATIVE.

PALEOCONSERVATIVE: (PAY-lee-oh-cuhn-SERVE-ah-tihve) pl. S. A person with strong conservative views who has always held strong conservative views. Such persons tend to hate NEOCONSERVATIVES for reasons that are, at best, stupid and clannish. In terms of the WAR ON TERROR, many PALEOCONSERVATIVES are LIBERAL.

PATRIOT: (PAY-tree-oht) pl. S. Someone who believes what you believe, publicly agrees with you and more or less does what they're told by the authorities, except when told to do so by FASCISTS.

RESPONSIBLE CITIZEN: (rehs-POHNS-ih-buhl CIHT-ih-ZEN) pl. S. An American who complies with FASCISTS, regardless of whether they are PATRIOTS or not.

ROGUE STATE: (ROHG stayt) pl. S. A nation that is either (a) a FENCE-SITTER who can't control its population, army or largest religion, (b) an ENEMY by a different name or (c) (See the State Department's Latest Informative Bulletin for Further Information)

SELF-LOATHING: (SEHLF LOHTH-ing) Someone who is a member the same ethnic, religious or national background as yourself, but holds views that are diametrically opposed to your own and are, in your own judgment, therefore insulting to your background as a whole. Jews critical of Israeli domestic policy are often described as SELF-LOATHING, as are Arabs who think Yasser Arafat's a windbag, AMERICA HATERS in general, and Southern Americans who refuse to call the Civil War by its proper name of The War Between the States, The War of Northern Aggression or whichever other name's in vogue this week.

TERRORIST: (TEHR-ohr-ist) pl. S. An individual who targets civilians for retribution for insults real or imagined to their ideology: except when they wear a uniform; unless their country is on the list of ENEMIES or ROGUE STATES; provided they never received funds, support and/or training from America or her ALLIES; unless they've since gone rogue and need to be dealt with; except when they're not attacking American interests or people we don't like; unless... um... never mind.

TRAITOR: (TRAY-Tor) pl. S. Someone whose stand on the War on Terror is diametrically opposed to your own, and either has the political and/or legal power to stymie what you feel must be done, or else takes or makes the power to do the same. Note that while the law is quite specific about what constitutes "treason" in regard to criminal charges for it, the label can now be safely applied far across the board without fear of defamation lawsuits.

USEFUL IDIOT: (YUSE-fuhl IH-dee-oht) pl. S. Someone whose stand on the War on Terror is diametrically opposed to your own, but holds views based on (a) pure emotion, (b) "information" that is clearly false or (c) ideas that are quite clearly not their own.

WAR ON TERROR: (WAHR ohn TEHR-rohr) In theory, a well-orchestrated campaign by a grand coalition of democratic ALLIES, banded together to isolate, convert and confront TERRORISTS, ENEMY STATES and ROGUE STATES until Terror ceases to be used as a geopolitical weapon. In reality, a disconnected and clumsy series of battles waged by a group comprised mostly of FENCE-SITTERS who can't seem to agree on many terms, strategies or goals, and - with the memories of 9/11 quickly fading - are wondering what the hell they're doing, anyway.

So everything about me is a lie - at least it seems that way - when I look in your eyes - the truth scares the shit out of me

Haunting me - Stabbing Westward